100 words

Mary watched the blood pour from the wound. There was nothing quite like the sight and smell of blood.

The body was still alive; there was still a slight rising and falling. Dad always said you had to finish what you started. Mary stabbed the body again between the ribs before twisting the blade slightly and withdrawing it slowly.

“All done”, she said proudly.

Emily sat in the corner crying and afraid. Daddy wasn’t moving or talking anymore.

Mary wiped the blood from the blade on her dress and turned towards Emily, “Nap time sweetheart”.

Emily screamed at her mother.

The Easter bunny was having none of it.

“Its simple all you have to do is demand the fecking money!”, said Lee the Leprechaun, “and don’t whatever you do leave a chocolate egg at the scene.”

Brian the Easter bunny thought for a moment.

“Why can’t I be the driver?”

“Can you drive?”

“ No. Good point”, said Brian,”…….but I am pretty good on a bike and I’ve got a tandem in the shed!”

Lee wondered why he hadn’t just stuck to the “gold at the end of the rainbow” scam, which had done him so well over the years.

Santa put the phone down and growled at Rudolph.

“No no no no no”, said Rudolph knowing the look in Santa’s eye, “I’m wrong tell me I’m wrong!”

Santa poured himself a generous whisky. “Double arse!”

“Maybe we can change the sign on the door to say Satan instead of Santa?”, said Rudolph helpfully.

Santa took a large sip of the whiskey, “We tried that last year remember?”, replied Santa despondently.

“Crap”, said Rudolph, ”How about hiring a priest to..”

“Tried already, they are all booked up for Christmas. Its no good. The mother in law is staying for Christmas”

Bill the gnome liked sausages, this posed a bit of a problem since sausages were illegal. Apparently sausages were an addictive hallucinogenic and the cause of the credit crunch, which was driving the price of fishing rods sky high and resulting in a shortage.

Bill thought he felt a tug on his rod. No false alarm. He chewed thoughtfully on a sausage. It wasn’t sausages they had to worry about but fish. He never had caught any fish from the pond, however if he waited long enough he might just get one of those pink elephants he caught last week.

Three million ways to die and none of them were in stock. Death sighed. Suppliers were all the same. If it wasn’t in stock it was on order, if it wasn’t on order it had been discontinued, if it was discontinued it was in the sale and if it wasn’t on sale, they had sold the last one to the guy who came in five minutes before you.

Pity they had some classics. Death by a roller-skating hamster and Death by rabid chiwawa, both top sellers but the best by far, Death by a slipped finger when picking the nose.

The chocolate monster burped loudly, then promptly apologized. Mary was unimpressed. So was the waiter who found himself laid out on the floor three feet from where he had been standing serving the vegetables.

“You had one of your garlic sandwiches before we came out didn’t you?”

Charley the chocolate monster knew he was in trouble. He pouted his lips, blew a seductive kiss across the table, which bounced off Mary’s lips only to smack Charley in the face.

“You had better explain yourself Mr”, said Mary

Charley turned to the shocked Emily to explain her date Dracula’s sudden disappearance.

It was an unfortunate name but then the owner, Gordon the Goblin had terrible spelling so it was the Friary Inn became the Fairy Inn and with it the attraction of some rather dubious customers. Tooth fairies.

A cross between your bad tempered granddad and psycho manic mother in law, Tooth Fairies were notorious for being hairy, flatulent and proudly male despite refusing to change out of their tutus even after their shift had ended.

Larry the Leprechaun had made the fatal mistake of smiling. Surrounded by fairies bearing hammers and chisels Larry had no fear. He was wearing dentures.

Garry the Gremlin was having a bad day. The old lady’s television had refused to die or tune into a porn channel when he played with the wires, instead it had given him an afro in regions his wife and doctor only got to see.

It didn’t end there.

The lady had mistook him for her cat and somehow had managed to sneak up on him before dousing him in three tons of flea powder while telling him how pretty and good he was. That had wrecked his Armani suit.

He just hoped he could escape before the cat returned.

Raymond Edge was dead. Normally this would be problem but not for Raymond, he was going to climb the career ladder and earn the big money if it killed him.

Raymond thought for a moment. Nationality? He had no idea. After further thought he scrawled in slow infant like handwriting the word ZOMBIE.

He groaned satisfied causing the receptionist to reach to her left, which was followed by the click of a shotgun under the desk and a rather forced smile.

Raymond hoped he got the job; he needed a change and he quite fancied being the office tea lady.

Mike tried to remain calm. He had been in situations similar before but this time was different. He had got suckered by the lady luck at his table who worked for the casino and persuaded him to spill the secret of his winning streak with a blowjob on the way to her room, which turned out to be a shakedown room of a different type.

There was one last game he had to play.

Trousers around his ankles, Mike placed his bet and watched intently. The gorilla in a suit tossed the coin into the air. Hammer roulette was underway.